Spiritual Navigation in Un-affirming Spaces

“While various systems may reject our sexual or gender identities, such rejections do not equate to definitions of our humanity” 

IN THE BEGINNING

My teenage years spent in the Catholic Church were a dreaded experience. As a child, I admired the faith of my grandparents; however, over time, attending mass on Sundays felt like being dragged there against my will. I looked forward to athletic events or other commitments that prevented me from going. Although my faith remained strong, my desire to be inside of a church was notably low.

One spring afternoon following baseball practice, my friend invited me to his youth group. Although I had attended youth group at my local Catholic parish, his persistent invitations eventually led me to agree to attend once to appease him. The youth group service, held in a pizza shop, featured drums, electric guitars, and loud singing from the students. I was captivated and felt an overwhelming sense of welcome that persisted from arrival to departure and beyond. I felt loved and cherished, and I believed their message of God's unconditional love and the church's Christ-like love. The smiles I encountered every Sunday reinforced this belief.

I was invited to run audio and visual equipment for a Christmas service at this same church. Initially, I felt a sense of honor and purpose, which was quickly shattered during one of the last services. The pastor unexpectedly delivered a homophobic and politically charged rant, which was met with enthusiastic applause from the audience. This experience marked a turning point for me. The acceptance I had felt by this church was replaced by fear, as I realized the love may have been conditional and not extended to my true identity. The pastor's words had a profound impact on me, making me feel that my innate gender identity was not only incorrect but also sinful. This experience began a significant shift in my self-perception, as I internalized the idea that my deeply held feelings could result in eternal damnation.

In February 2007, I disclosed to both my youth pastor and lead pastor that I had struggled with feelings of gender dysphoria my entire life. This began a fifteen year period of conversion therapy due to my firm belief that my gender identity was problematic from a theological perspective and would result in eternal separation from God in Hell.  Fortunately, after a decade and a half, I found a therapist with training in LGBTQ+ issues. Through therapy, I came to understand that my identity as a transgender woman was divinely aligned and that I would always remain loved, accepted and affirmed by God. This experience of receiving affirmation of my transgender identity from a Christian counselor was sadly uncommon but proved to be invaluable.

During my employment at one of Michigan's largest churches, I was undergoing this therapy to explore my gender identity. As I became comfortable identifying as transgender, I started planning for potential repercussions within my unsupportive work environment. Unfortunately, I inadvertently left my journal in my office, and its contents regarding my gender identity were discovered. Consequently, I was terminated due to my transgender identity.

I once believed I was safe in my church, but I didn't know how to navigate its un-affirming space. I was unprepared for the rejection I would experience from my family and church community. People close to me said things like, "I love you, but I can't affirm you." During my firing process, HR told me I could still worship there but couldn't be in leadership if I transitioned.

As an out LGBTQ+ person who has experienced social rejection from family and churches after coming out and transitioning, I know the critical need for self-protection and empowerment when facing un-affirming political ideology and the new wave of political trauma it has been unleashed. We will explore thoughts on navigating three primary domains where LGBTQ+ individuals frequently encounter unequivocal non-affirmation: family, religious institutions, and government.

NAVIGATING UN-AFFIRMING FAMILIES

A key area of struggle and pain for LGBTQ+ individuals lies within family structures. As children, we are raised by parents and families who express unconditional love; however, this verbal contract rarely includes fine print. Many individuals learn later in life that this parental love was conditional, contingent upon heteronormative compliance and uniformity. Family is integral to human development, and in many spiritual traditions, the concept of heterosexual marriage is rooted in the historical concept of marriage as a means to continue family lines. Many families argue that deviation from heteronormative ideals, which are often rooted in biological essentialism, poses an existential threat to humanity. However, a 2023 study revealed that 7.9% of Americans identify as LGBTQ+, highlighting the prevalence of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. However, over 90% of the population retains the ability to procreate without means of alternative methods. This neglects the possibilities of artificial insemination and adoption. Given rising global population rates, some may consider this a natural, corrective measure. These realities do not diminish the significance of family within societal or religious frameworks.

Family has been a central tenet of many religious faiths. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and even astrology, place a significant emphasis on marriage and family.  The disruption of family units is largely unaffected by religious identity or affiliation. Divorce rates among religious individuals are comparable to those of non-religious individuals. Therefore, asserting that a family upholds "biblical values of marriage and divorce" is incongruent with the realities of family disruptions that occur outside of religion. The queer individual and their perceived "disruption of the family unit" are no different than any other marriage; to assign blame to LGBTQ+ individuals for the breakdown of family units is inaccurate and unjust.

The emphasis on family values has undergone a significant transformation since the 1980s election of Ronald Reagan. Reagan revolutionized and completed the shift of the concept of freedom away from the left leaning politics and placed it squarely in the hands of the conservatives. Reagan, who was the first divorced president in American history, won the support of the religious right and conservatives under the guise of supporting "family values.” Reagan secured the popular vote in America by capitalizing on the dissatisfaction of Christian conservatives with the direction of the country. These concepts are increasingly prevalent in contemporary culture. Christian conservatives have become more fixated on preserving traditional American family values, and the emergence of a free queer individual disrupts these ideals, posing a political challenge. This is increasingly evident in the "Make America Great Again" (MAGA) movements of today and is a core reason that LGBTQ+ people, and transgender people in particular, have become contentious topics within many families. The identity of transgender people, specifically transgender women, has become a flashpoint for many families around holidays, creating tension that can appear irreparable.

It is within these tensions that some of the most traumatic situations arise. Families who cannot emotionally regulate their political and religious beliefs to care for their loved ones demonstrate the complex emotional processes inherent in family systems. Family systems theory, as popularized by Murray Bowen, examines the ways that family systems and memberships within those systems affect our emotional and psychological functioning. Over time, relational dynamics and patterns can create systems with multigenerational histories. Any threat to change that history remains unspoken, and no family member can cross that historical line. It is within established systems that we find some of the deepest tensions. Queer individuals may find comfort in knowing that opposition is not inherent, but rather stems from generational history and established norms. Challenging these norms in healthy ways, or finding paths to disrupt them constructively, is crucial. Navigating the emotions behind specific viewpoints within families can be aided by historical knowledge and by identifying family members who have affected change, with the goal of becoming a positive force for change within one's family system.

In Walt Whitman's acclaimed poem Song of Myself, he famously penned the words "I contain multitudes." The multifaceted nature of human beings and their ability to adapt is an important consideration within the family system. Each person within a family system contains multitudes, and the capacity for empathy and adaptation exists within each individual. Queer individuals can benefit from taking on the role of chief diplomat within the family system, helping those around them to recognize the multifaceted nature of care and love. This can help to avoid the upholding of harmful family systems that cause further harm under the guise of protection.

Family value systems often prioritize the protection of children. There is great wisdom in applying this same concept to the protection of the psychological health of children. Studies have shown that LGBTQ+ individuals who are rejected by their families are at a significantly increased risk of psychological harm. Therefore, family values could be interpreted through a queer lens; affirming someone's queer identity could be seen as protecting them from tangible harm, as opposed to adhering to a religious idea of what queer identity does to a person. Ultimately, the family should set boundaries against harming one another. Family systems differentiate this idea that there are subsystems within family functions. These subsystems create boundaries within families. The subsystem that should be employed or promoted within the family system is the rejection of harming one another. Discussing with family members the positive impact queer identity has on mental and physical health could be important in mitigating the harm of rejection.

Regrettably, initiating these dialogues may be futile within certain family structures. Numerous resources explore the concept of severing contact with family members. While this may be an option, I believe it should be considered a last resort. This course of action should only be explored if fulfilling the role of mediator within the family is unsuccessful or if families remain inflexible in their belief systems. The best advice is to prioritize self-care in these situations. Safeguarding your psychological, spiritual, and mental well-being is paramount.

NAVIGATING UN-AFFIRMING CHURCHES

The Latin phrase "Notae Ecclesiae," meaning "Marks of the Church," is  facing a crisis of large magnitude. There have been substantial doctrinal disagreements within the Christian church over differing political ideologies that are presented as theological ones. This concept, that the devil is pleased by the church's inability to agree on doctrine, was explored by C.S. Lewis in his renowned work, The Screwtape Letters. Regardless of one's beliefs regarding demonic activity within the church or the world, it is evident that there are significant theological differences within Christianity. There is no more clear example than the fusion of Christian nationalism within the contemporary church. The Christian Nationalist ideal has amplified the contentious role of religion in socio-political discourse. This contentious intersection was tragically exemplified during the January Sixth riots, where religious iconography was appropriated by insurrectionists attempting to subvert democratic processes and reinstate a perceived "Christian" dominion over the nation. There has been a resurgence of voices claiming that America needs to return to its religious rules and norms. These doctrinal disagreements and the polarization associated with evangelical popularity due to their populist ideas have led churches today toward ideology rather than sound theology. This creates the phenomenon known as "churchianity" rather than Christianity. These tensions find increased sanctuary within certain Christian communities, particularly as a strain of Christian denialism, characterized by its own forms of egregious conduct, gains traction. This phenomenon is observable in the responses of some religious institutions to issues such as child sexual abuse, sexual assault, and the treatment of LGBTQ+ individuals.  Queer individuals often experience conflict with religious institutions due to the Church's denial of any wrongdoing in its alignment with structures that marginalize and oppress queer individuals in the name of “love”. This denial includes rejecting the notion that the Church's actions harm or invalidate the humanity and rights of queer people. Consequently, it is crucial for LGBTQ+ individuals to critically evaluate their places of worship and ascertain their stances on the rights of LGBTQ+ and other marginalized groups within society. The lack of clear communication from churches regarding their positions on specific political and ideological issues can create unsafe environments for marginalized communities.

The perception of theological truth is not exclusive to evangelical Christianity. There have been considerable movements in theological perception from Latin America, where a branch of theology known as liberation theology has emerged. While these movements have come out of Roman Catholic circles, they are not exclusive to that sector of Christianity. Liberation theology deals directly with how doctrine and God intersect with the marginalized. Theological interpretations of queer liberation draw parallels between the experiences of early Christian communities and those of queer individuals today. Queer liberation theology proposes that the early church, like queer communities today, recognized their need for mutual support and societal acceptance. These early Christians were acutely aware that their gatherings were not sanctioned and that their identification with their faith was not accepted by society at large.  Commonality and discussion can be found between sexual and gender minorities within evangelical spaces and those who seek to uphold the truest expression of the church. These discussions often center around hopes of reflecting the early church as found in the Book of Acts in Christian Scripture.

One of the most profound disagreements between the queer community and the evangelical church centers on the concept of pride. The evangelical narrative frames pride as sinful, and LGBTQ+ identity is perceived as both a sinful state of being and a sinful choice. Conversely, the queer community interprets pride as the act of existing authentically in the world as one's divinely created self. This starkly contrasts with the concept of prideful boasting as sin. The LGBTQ+ community expresses joy and self-acceptance, rejecting the notion that their identities are inherently sinful or that they were created as broken individuals. These represent some of the fundamental disagreements between evangelical Christians and the queer community. Discerning these distinctions is crucial. Discussions surrounding the definitions of sin and its manifestations within a church context are often unproductive when navigating church affiliation. The evangelical Christian would benefit from seeking to understand the queer individual's concept of pride and sin, while the queer individual should consider refraining from worshiping alongside those who reject their inherent humanity.

I am often asked about the safety of a church for queer people, I often advise that it will be readily apparent whether or not the place of worship will accept them and affirm them. Individuals must exercise caution and not accept the "all are welcome" narrative at face value. Theological discernment and wisdom are essential for the queer person within the church.

NAVIGATING UN-AFFIRMING GOVERNMENTS

It is well-documented that the United States federal government under the Trump administration pursued policies aimed at limiting the rights of LGBTQ individuals across various sectors of society. These policies frequently drew upon theological and biological principles previously discussed. Such ideas are rooted in doctrines of empire that date back to ancient Rome. In ancient Roman society, the government was seen as responsible for maintaining social harmony and ensuring adherence to divine agreements. The Roman state believed it had a duty to safeguard religious doctrines and uphold the moral framework that supported them. These concepts have become evident in the strategies employed by modern governments, not only in the United States but also in other states that have taken positions opposing LGBTQ rights.

There have been clear correlations between religious ideology and governmental principles throughout history. Churches have traditionally taught that saints serve as examples of God's work within the church, while simultaneously affirming that empires—particularly those under the rule of David and the guidance of Samuel in scripture—made war a divine mandate. In this context, if a government subscribed to Christian beliefs, it could justify a wide range of harmful actions.  This extends to the mistreatment of minorities. If the Christian church views its government as a protector of doctrine, it may justify the blatant mistreatment of gender and sexual minorities and the reinforcement of strict morality interpretation. Many of the opposition to these policies in America comes from older demographics who vote for politicians promising to reduce government assistance. However, many of these individuals fail to recognize that elderly people residing in long-term care facilities are largely supported by government subsidies. Simply voting based on a single issue can lead to unintended consequences. LGBTQ individuals must recognize that many people who vote for politicians that actively harm marginalized groups may not fully understand the implications of their vote. As LGBTQ people navigate living in a country that enacts laws that undermine their humanity, it is important to remember that not all voters are fully informed. Showing grace toward those who vote differently from us will be crucial in fostering long-term change.

The requirement of religious conformity in political society is not a new concept. In 1682, the Puritans were known for denying political office to anyone unwilling to affirm the divinity of Jesus Christ. During this period, the Quakers adhered to strict codes of personal morality. Religious uniformity was seen as a foundational element of what constituted a virtuous citizen during this time. These ideas have long been upheld as part of a historical and systematic foundation for a prosperous society. They align with the notion that America must be "made great again," a concept rooted in Puritan ideals that assert that adherence to Judeo-Christian ethics, particularly with a specific interpretation, is the only means by which humanity can be pure, righteous before God, and prosperous. However, this view does not reflect the lived reality of LGBTQ people in America. LGBTQ individuals do not come out for convenience but for honesty and a sense of wholeness. The goal of a nation should not be to enforce religious uniformity, but to embrace the uniqueness of every individual within it.

LGBTQ people must be aware of the consequences of religious uniformity, as these ideas have historically led to some of the most egregious human rights violations in the American history. LGBTQ individuals need to educate themselves both historically and ideologically, moving beyond emotion to embrace facts when advocating for themselves within a political system and society that does not always affirm their existence. While many have embraced conformity as a form of governance, LGBTQ people should instead embrace resistance through existence. Rather than becoming docile or easily governed by the state, LGBTQ individuals should make it impossible for the state to dictate who they are or whom they can love.

REJECTION IS NOT DEFINITION

The lived experience of LGBTQ individuals in the world today is shaped by numerous systems of rejection and harm. These include the rejection by family and the conditional nature of love, the exclusion from religious communities in the name of God, and the systemic failures of government to adequately care for all people. Together, these forces create a climate where the queer person often faces danger and marginalization. Every system in which the queer person interacts must offer safety and support. Navigating these complex systems, which can inflict trauma in unexpected ways, requires the queer individual to have access to both sound mental health resources and spiritual support.

The emotional and religious traumas resulting from systemic failures make it crucial for LGBTQ individuals to remain vigilant about their safety. Developing spiritual practices that allow for safe interactions with the divine will be key to healing. Additionally, setting boundaries with family members will be vital for maintaining mental and physical well-being. One crucial point to remember is that while various systems may reject our sexual or gender identities, such rejections do not equate to definitions of our humanity.

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